I think it's a trait that goes hand in hand with being ultra-sensitive and whether I like it or not, picking up on every tiny nuance of mood from every person in the room with me. I don't want to notice that Dave is seeming brooding and distant or that Hallie looks a little sad or that Ian's voice sounds tight on the phone, but I do. And then from there it can ramp into full color, horrifying fantasies about what might happen someday. Or sometimes I drift into the past and dredge up what I might have done to be at fault if someone I care for isn't completely happy all the time.
Not everyone does this, I know. I know people who sail blissfully through the world without really picking up on the vibes of anyone but themselves. These are people who have let yesterday go and don't really have time to think about tomorrow because they're busy experiencing today. I hate them. I want to be them.
I've been actively working on not doing this any more. The terrible part of being a worrier is that it keeps you from being in the moment. It robs you of the simple pleasure of a sunny afternoon, a delicious meal, a great song on the radio, a joke shared with a friend. So I have a few mantras, and I remind myself every few hours throughout the day, "live in the NOW." If I catch myself starting up a big fat stewing session, I repeat the words from the sermon on the mount, "Sufficient unto the day are the troubles therein." There's really no need to borrow some troubles from tomorrow, or drag some forward from yesterday.
I really do this. And it really helps. Got any words you live by?
12 comments:
I know exactly what you mean and I stew about the same things as you.
The problem for me is that while I am anxious, some of it is rooted in real issues that cause understandable anxiety. So it becomes a vicious cycle of what are real issues to be anxious about and what are made up issues. For me, it becomes almost a superstitious sort of activity. If I am not anxious about something, and something bad does happen, then it is likely my fault for not being vigilent and anxious in the first place. As if anxiety changes anything. But telling yourself something intellectually and then carrying it through emotionally are two different things. And the problem is, I have been rewarded in the past for being anxious. Anxiety and self doubt made me study harder and led to successful outcomes. So, doesn't that mean anxiety is good? The problem is in modulation.
Sheila, my mother (The Master) and I were just discussing this on the phone. And you're right--the roots of this affliction are in the unspoken belief that worrying about somehow impacts what will happen--that you can somehow create a positive outcome with the intensity of your worrying. And that, of course, is a HUGE fallacy.
I think the other part of it is some lack of faith in yourself--a belief that when the day comes and the terrible thing actually happens, you won't be able to cope. So you somehow try to build up some coping in advance. I think the solution is to yourself get to the place where you truly believe that whatever it is that tomorrow brings, you'll handle it then, when it actually has materialized.
Since it's been handed down from generation to generation, maybe genetics are involved? Maybe 'worrying/fretting' is a behavior that evolution has created to help the species successfully reproduce, which is all evolution asks for. (No, Evolution does NOT vote the Democratic ticket!)
The Hippie movement can claim to be the ultimate 'live in the moment' attempt humans have yet embraced and I believe that it foundered because of the lack of a central core of fretters, people who could be counted on to keep traditions, promote tractability and just generally keep people moving in the same direction.
Ants v. Grasshoppers. The ants enjoy the grasshoppers, but don't want to be one. The human race would not survive if Grasshopper to Ants ratio gets too big!
Is there any way to enjoy fretting? Do you ever take notice that the fretting you did when the kids were little has born tremendous fruit? Or are you too busy fretting about them getting married and settled down?
As an intelligent, but totally devoted Grasshopper, I admire Ant/fretters and I try to keep in touch, in case Winter ever shows up...
i border on this activity and have learned to deal with it most of the time. when i start worrying about something i make myself stop. i used to dream up all sorts of awful scenarios when one of the spideykids would be late coming home. i could have easily done this when bigjoe went through his surgeries, but it was then i think that i stopped. i couldn't let myself go there for fear it would consume all my energy, and i needed plenty of that for him. and so now, i live mostly in the moment as much as i can. as they say, almost all of what you worry about never happens. and if it does, you deal with it, cause what other choice do you have.
i worry, but not like my mom and i'm glad about that. my mom will sometimes make herself ill over things. my guy is good at noticng when i get in a worry funk and pulling me out of it.
Jilly
I think I've been winging it for the past couple of years and not taking any time at all to sort through my thoughts and/or feelings, and only now as I've made a what I would call fairly impetuous decision to give up four years' worth of really hard work can I attempt to make sense of it. I have been worried for a long time about so many things, even as I know that worrying doesn't foster change. Only action does. So I like your idea about living in the moment, otherwise, you're not really living at all.
"This too shall pass"
But probably not before you drive yourself nuts
I'm fond of "this too shall pass" also, Gail. So far, it always has passed. So it must be true!
Live in the now is pretty close to one day at a time. I must say that a billion times a week to students.
I try to worry about stupid things to avoid the big things. (like can I keep my desk organized, do I need a new dryer, and such).
By the way, how is your mom? Hearing about her makes me a bit homesick for Tulsa.
She's sweet and angelic and mildly spacey as ever, Rosa. I wish you'd gotten to meet her when you were there.
"I learned it at the feet of the master--my mother."
do we have the same mother? I'm a worrier just like she is. I think some (most) of it comes from being a parent
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